…indeed that is the question…
I feel like I’ve been in denial for a long time. Denial that God has given me a spirit of discernment and a heart for experiencing truth in everyday life. Denial that the messages that tumble around in my head late at night as I’m trying to sleep have a purpose and might actually be used to encourage others if I dared share them with anyone other than myself. Denial that despite what my own self-doubt and insecurity tell me, through Christ I am more than capable of communicating His truth and grace. Sometimes I feel like Moses- being called to step out and do something bold, but defaulting to every excuse in the book of why I’m the wrong one to do it.
With my current job, I find myself in somewhat foreign territory... a land of not knowing what to do with myself. I'm wired to function on busyness and multi-tasking, being sought after for help and input- but these days I find myself sitting in front of a computer screen attempting to be productive with little or no work to actually be done. The blessing in this season is that I have 8 sanctified hours to read scripture online and check out various blogs in between answering phone calls and scheduling meetings. It's been breathe and life to my soul that's always struggled to carve out consistent daily quiet times amidst work, ministry, marriage, friendships, to-do lists, etc. I don't think I've ever had this much time to sit and be still before the Lord...
I’ve gotten in the habit of typing my thoughts as I process what God is speaking to me through scripture and reading. The last few weeks I’ve had this little whisper in the back of my head that I should start sharing some of my thoughts. Immediately, though, I quench that voice with a big, fat NO… I mean, usually my thoughts don’t make sense to anyone but me! Besides, who wants to hear what I have to say anyways? Still that resilient whisper persists. Yesterday I got bold and emailed some of my thoughts to Michael. His response made me laugh- he asked if I copied it from something I was reading or if I had written it. Duh- clearly it’s the ramblings of your crazy wife! He’s affirming and encouraging as always though, believing in me when I don’t believe in myself. The voice has grown louder since yesterday.
A few years ago I was in a small group led by Pam Farrel, and in our discussion time she would always challenge us by asking what our “God-sized dream was”. To be honest it was a frustrating question for me because everyone else had these huge passions for missions, women’s rights, human trafficking, media… and I had nothing… nothing at all. I just did youth ministry. That was as far as my calling was going to take me. Fast forward a few years to me attending a Beth Moore conference with the women in my husband’s family. It changed me. Not only the message that Beth brought us that weekend, but seeing a woman SO in love with the Word of God and so committed to encouraging women to seek out God’s heart by being submerged in scripture… I thought, what a cool gig! She gets to study scripture, prayerfully share her heart, and be in constant relationship with others she can encourage spiritually. That right there is my God-size dream. I don’t need a stage or books or anything like that… I just want to be used to encourage. To teach the precious promises held within the scriptures that we just glaze over.
So here I am, at a crossroads of staying silent or allowing myself to be vulnerable before others with what the Lord is teaching me. And wouldn’t you know that it’s Beth Moore’s blog this morning that gave me the confirmation I needed- “It’s best not to glamorize writing because it is a very demanding assignment but, if God calls you to it, receive it with joy and with the open-mindedness of a student rather than a teacher, with much self-discipline, and with relentless prayer.” So I think I’ll give this a shot… not because I am crazy wise or know everything there is to know… but because I’m hungry to learn and hungry to share this journey with the people around me.
So have grace on me, I’m stepping out in faith on this one and would love some company for the road!